When I left my corporate engineering job and started my own civil engineering company, I suddenly found myself—by chance or perhaps due to some unknown design—working almost exclusively with women. My new colleagues were amazing, passionate, and driven to create solutions that not only met the regulations but actually made a difference! When my firm was hired to develop a regulatory-driven watershed management plan to control non-point source pollution across eight jurisdictions, I realized that this new environment began to feel safe enough for me to let go of my tight grip on exerting control. Our conversations were honest, trusting, and innovative. For the first time in my career, I felt like I belonged.
As I continued to feel more and more comfortable with these women, I came to trust that a collective, collaborative outcome would be much better than any outcome I could develop on my own. I also began to discard my preconceived expectations and to relish the freedom of not having to make all the decisions. I thrived in this communal group of women and began to trust both the process and myself.
I recognized the strength of these women working together and became aware of my own strengths, realizing that I was very good at facilitating a productive process. This new atmosphere helped me to see the small pieces and the big ones and to understand how they all fit together. I could visualize what was possible, the path to get there, what the team members’ strengths were, and how to bring their talents out. We had fun getting a lot done and we were connected.
As I embraced this fresh working environment, I came to realize that the need for connection is paramount for human contentment. Employees are happier when they have strong networks within their workplace, and I believe that these networks may be even more important for women to thrive. Look at how we have lived for millions of years: we have had to support each other to stay alive, to know where the good food is, and to know what, or who, is dangerous. Women have always needed other women … as they do today. For some reason, however, we have moved away from interconnectedness and community. It might be because social media has given us a false sense of connection, but there is no substitute for a great friend or two or three. We don’t need to have numerous friends, but our relationships need to be deeper than those on Facebook.
Brené Brown, a University of Houston professor of social work, as well as a popular writer and speaker, has studied leadership and the importance of relationships, and she says, “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
Is it possible for women in STEM to find these connections when the work environment is often closed or not inclusive enough? Can we bond with colleagues whom we engage with regularly at work? Doing so is not, unfortunately, always easy. I didn’t connect with coworkers until I began to work with other women. Until that time, I operated in a conventional work culture where there was built-in judgment and unspoken competition. I strove to feel seen, heard, and valued at work, but in an environment full of masculine energy, I rarely achieved these goals. Rather than Brené Brown’s “sustenance and strength,” I encountered scarcity and struggle as I tried to get my views heard and on the table.
Perhaps I could have made more connections in the corporate world if I had been more open and vulnerable, but in my struggle to succeed, I kept to myself, highly armored, and ate lunch at my desk while trying to achieve perfection in my projects. Looking back, the engineers I worked with were good people and likely would have wanted to interact with me more. Such relationships may not have been deep ones, but they could have provided me with a stronger sense of belonging.
I believe that women have superpowers of empathy and curiosity and that these traits are the cornerstones of connection. With them, we can break down workplace stereotypes to create a more communal experience and a better sense of belonging for everyone.
Empathy is a great connector and equalizer. If we can see through someone else’s eyes, we can come closer to seeing the whole person. Often we look at a person with a limited perspective, seeing them solely as an engineer, a man, or a boss, but empathy allows us to see the bigger picture of their identity. We can then almost always find commonalities that allow us to bond, to form better relationships and work environments, and to be more productive. When we can see someone as multi-faceted, it breaks down barriers, allows us to see past the parts that bother us, and enhances collaboration. It also might give us an insight into why they act the way they do, and this can help us work together better.
Having curiosity also helps us to improve our connections and to see each other as whole and unique people. We prove that we are curious when we engage someone with open-ended questions, ones that start with how, when, or what, rather than with close-ended questions, ones that can be answered with a “yes” or a “no” (questions that start with “why” are best avoided because they can come across as judgmental). Even more important is truly listening with a curious and open mind to learn about another person and to hear their story. This is the key to forming a good relationship.
What’s the trick to changing our mindset so that we can achieve better connections? For me it was letting go, lowering my armor, and being vulnerable. These are powerfully scary words for a woman in STEM, and they must be accompanied by a healthy and appropriate set of boundaries around whom we let in, what they are allowed to say and do around us, and what the consequences are if they cross those important boundaries.
Will this network-building approach always work for everyone? No, but it’s worth trying because it will often lead to good outcomes. I recommend that you take some small steps toward connecting with individuals at work and see how it goes. If you try and fail to make a connection, move on to engaging with another person. A couple strong connections at work can make the difference between operating in an isolating and frustrating work environment or a happy and productive one.
Meleah Ashford is a water resources engineer with a BS from Oregon State University and an MS from University of California at Berkeley. She worked in industry for 30 years, most of her career as an engineering consultant. Ashford is now a certified Life Coach where she helps people meet goals related to financial well-being, starting a business, and living the life they desire. She has owned two businesses; an engineering firm and a life coaching business. She grew up in rural eastern Oregon and now lives in the Oregon’s Willamette Valley.
This article was originally published in AWIS Magazine. Join AWIS to access the full issue of AWIS Magazine and more member benefits.